Who gets the best deal from
marriage: women or men?
Ken Dempsey
Reader in Sociology, La Trobe University, Victoria
Abstract
Feminists of various kinds ­ structural, radical, critical, materialist ­ have
repeatedly asserted that marriage benefits men more than women and usu-
ally at women's expense. There is now a considerable body of empirical evi-
dence that supports the major thrust of their claims. However, there are
feminists adopting a post-structuralist perspective who argue that many
accounts of men's dominance are overly deterministic. The argument goes
that there is insufficient recognition of change that is already ensuring more
rewarding marriages for women much of which is probably due to women's
exercise of agency. It is further argued that, in order for women to initiate suc-
cessful change, it is necessary but not sufficient for them to be aware of
inequities and other shortcomings occurring at specific sites in their marriage.
In the present study, a sample of 45 wives and 40 husbands were questioned
to see if they agreed that men generally benefited the most from marriage, to
find out what reasons they offered for their judgements and to establish if
women were more conscious than men of the need for specific changes in
their own marriages. The possibilities of actors negotiating successfully for
specific change in the face of their partner's opposition are also considered. It
is argued that women will make only limited gains until men experience a
change of heart.
Keywords: gender consciousness and change, gender inequity, marriage, per-
ceptions of marital benefits
Introduction
In her influential study, The Future of Marriage, Jessie Bernard argues that,
whilst both men and women benefit from marriage, `[B]eing married is only
half as good for wives as for husbands' (Bernard, 1976: 40). Marriage
Journal of Sociology  2002 The Australian Sociological Association, Volume 38(2): 91­110
[0004­8690(200206)38:2;91­110;023320]
entails compromise for both partners, but women lose more freedom and
autonomy than men, mainly because they become housewives. A wife
invests more of her intellectual and emotional resources in her partner and
her children than do husbands. If a marriage breaks down, the woman loses
more of her economic security and material benefits than does her husband.
There are two marriages, says Bernard, a man's and a woman's, but it is a
woman's that needs upgrading.
Structural feminists of various kinds ­ radical, socialist, materialist, crit-
ical ­ have emphasized the causal character of the connection between
women's physical and emotional work and the benefits marriage brings men
(Chafetz, 1990; Hartmann, 1981; Lengermann and Niebrugge-Brantley,
1990). For example, Lengermann and Niebrugge-Brantley say marriage
entails sexual and emotional work by women that is essential to the cre-
ation and maintenance of the health and personality of husbands. Christine
Delphy and Diana Leonard have put the case for marriage benefiting men
at the expense of women in more explicit and emotive language than most
writers. There is Delphy's famous observation:
[M]arriage is the institution by which gratuitous work is extorted from a partic-
ular category of the population, women-wives. (1976: 77)
More recently, Delphy and Leonard offered this comprehensive descrip-
tion of gender exploitation:
Within the context of the family system specifically, we see men exploiting
women's practical, emotional, sexual and reproductive labour. Loving women
does not prevent men exploiting them. (1992: 258)
The emphasis in all these accounts written from some form of structural
perspective is on continuity rather than change in a traditional system of
domination and exploitation of wives by husbands. The argument goes that
men use their structurally delivered access to highly valued resources and
their ideological control to maintain the status quo in an institution biased
in their favour (Chafetz, 1990).
Empirical support for the views of structural feminists
Structural feminists have been criticized for assuming rather than demon-
strating men's marital exploitation of women (Close and Collins, 1983).
However, there is a considerable body of empirical research that corrobo-
rates the major thrust of their assertions. This research shows the follow-
ing:
· As in the past, the great majority of wives still carry out most of a fam-
ily's unpaid work. Most women's tasks are `necessary' and performed
highly frequently whereas most men's are `discretionary' and performed
sporadically. Women retain major or exclusive responsibility for ensur-
ing housework is completed. Women also have overriding responsibility
92 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
for children (Baxter, 1993; Bianchi et al., 2000; Bittman, 1995; Demo
and Acock, 1993; Sullivan, 2000).
· There is a growing body of evidence that shows women typically provide
far more emotional care than they receive (Benjamin and Sullivan, 1996;
Duncombe and Marsden, 1993, 1995; Erickson, 1993). It is to wives
rather than husbands that family members unload their concerns. Wives
ensure everyone feels included in family activities and that events such as
evening meals are harmonious occasions (Burns, 1986; DeVault, 1991;
Mansfield and Collard, 1988).
· The great majority of husbands resist successfully the efforts of wives to
shift the boundaries of responsibility for housework, childcare or emo-
tional work (Collis, 1999; Dempsey, 1997a, 2000; Gill, 1993; Wearing,
1990).
· Men's interests and priorities remain privileged. Women are expected to
please men and organize their own lives and family life accordingly
(Benjamin, 1998). There is research that shows that women occupy less
physical space in the house and even in the matrimonial bed than their
partners (Burns, 1986).
· The home is more likely to be a place of leisure for men whilst remain-
ing more of a place of work for women, especially when the family
workload is greatest, such as during the first months of a child's life. Men
are more likely than their partners to have superior opportunities and
resources for leisure away from home (Bittman, 1991; Bittman and
Wajcman, 2000; Dempsey, 1992, 1997a).
The critique of post-structuralists
The writings of structural feminists, such as Delphy and Leonard, and
Hartmann, have also been criticized by a number of feminists adopting a
post-structuralist or postmodernist perspective for exaggerating the extent of
men's oppression and for ignoring the ability of women to exercise agency
(Benjamin and Sullivan, 1999; Gerson and Peiss, 1985; Wearing, 1990). For
example, Betsy Wearing argues that if we focus mainly on women's oppres-
sion we exclude the possibility of transforming the present situation. Women,
she says, can increase their leisure by resisting the demands of husbands that
they prioritize looking after house and husband. Benjamin and Sullivan
(1999) state that there is systematic evidence of a reduction in gender
inequality in the domestic division of labour. These scholars suggest that
some of this reduction may be due to women negotiating successfully with
their husbands to increase their participation in housework.
In this paper, I draw on the insights of feminists adopting what for con-
venience can be called a post-structuralist perspective as well as those
adopting what also for convenience can be called a structuralist perspective.
It is assumed that women as well as men shape their lives to a meaningful
degree. For example, members of both sexes use the material resources,
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 93
symbols, norms and social skills at their disposal to achieve their ends,
which may include dominating a partner or attempting to negotiate a sig-
nificant shift in the boundaries of their marital relationship. However, it is
also assumed that structural forces always constrain personal autonomy
and the exercise of individual power. Marriage, like many institutions in
modern society, is organized in such a way as to deliver more cultural,
material and social power to men. It is a hierarchical institution in which
domination and negotiation occur simultaneously (Gerson and Peiss,
1985). It is further assumed that before negotiation will be attempted the
consciousness of the disadvantaged partner must be raised. Linda
Thompson says: `Gender consciousness is central to whether or not part-
ners, particularly women, push for change in their marriages' (1993: 566).
Orly Benjamin and Oriel Sullivan argue that such consciousness needs to
be highly focused for women to even contemplate trying to bargain with
their husbands. This means they need to be aware of inequalities or other
problems occurring at specific sites in their marriages. If, instead, there is
present only a diffuse awareness that things should be different, then nego-
tiation and therefore significant change is most unlikely to occur (Benjamin
and Sullivan, 1999).
Limited research on women`s and men's consciousness of the need
for marital change
Unfortunately, there has been little research directed at establishing whether
women or men are conscious of the need for change to occur in one or more
aspects of their marriage and how strongly they feel about change occurring
or not occurring. Of use, however, are the following: the recent batch of
studies of women's and men's perception of the fairness of the divisions of
housework and childcare; several qualitative accounts of marital relation-
ships; and a number of studies of the problems in their former marriages
cited by divorcees.
Studies in which male and female respondents have been asked to report
on whether they think the divisions of housework and childcare are fair show
that only about one-third of females and a smaller proportion of males report
that the present division of unpaid tasks is unfair to themselves or their part-
ners (Baxter, 2000; Dempsey, 1999; Sanchez, 1994). The same respondents
provide information that shows that in the great majority of marriages
women bear an inordinate share of the family's unpaid workload. There is
evidence, however, that many women may be less satisfied than these findings
indicate. For example, in some studies, half the women interviewed say they
would like their partners to do more inside jobs (Berk, 1985; Dempsey,
2000). Nevertheless, a substantial number of women fail to indicate a con-
sciousness of the need to shift any of the gender boundaries in their marriage.
Such findings suggest that many wives do not share the beliefs of structural
feminists who claim women get a worse deal from marriage than men.
94 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
There are, however, a number of in-depth marital studies and a larger
number of studies of the views of divorcees of their former marriages that
do suggest that many women would say that the judgements that structural
feminists make apply, to at least some degree, in their own marriages. Many
of the females interviewed for in-depth studies expressed dissatisfaction
with their marriage, and reported that they wanted their partners to change
their behaviour and attitudes (Hochschild, 1989; Hood, 1983; Mansfield
and Collard, 1988). For example, Mansfield and Collard stress that the
women they interviewed expected more of their husbands both practically
and affectively than they were prepared to give. The wives complained their
husbands failed to provide the degree of emotional support and intimacy
they believed they were entitled to. The women were much more likely than
the men to report feeling let down emotionally.
Reports of self-described causes of marital breakdown reach back to
William Goode's (1956) celebrated study of Detroit women's adjustment to
divorce, and include Ilene Wolcott and Jody Hughes's recent Australian
study, Towards Understanding the Reasons for Divorce (1999). These stud-
ies show that women are more likely than men to blame partners for the
breakdown of a relationship whilst men are more likely than women to
blame themselves. The explanations of both male and female respondents
concentrate principally on affective factors. These include poor communi-
cation, lack of affection and love, insufficient time spent at home (Amato
and Rogers, 1997; Kitson, 1992; Spanier and Thompson, 1987; Wolcott
and Hughes, 1999). However, instrumental factors, such as disputes over
housework and childcare, are cited as causes of marital disruption in a few
accounts (Kitson, 1992; Spanier and Thompson, 1987).
Although the accounts of divorcees' views are very insightful, it cannot
be assumed that they will match those of people who are currently married.
As Amato and Rogers stress: `[S]pouses define certain behaviour as prob-
lems only when they have already given up on their marriages and are
about to break up' (Amato and Rogers, 1997: 613). Further inquiries about
the perceptions of men and women who are currently married may indicate
whether participants of either sex believe that one sex gains more from the
marriage than the other. They may also show whether women are more
likely than men to believe there is a need for change in their marriage; and,
if there is, what specific changes they think should occur.
Purpose of the paper
The present study was undertaken to establish if women or men shared the
views of those structural feminists, such as Bernard (1976) and Delphy
(1976), and profeminists, such as Bell and Newby (1976) and McMahon
(1999), that men get a much better deal from marriage than women. It was
also undertaken to see what support there was for the views of feminists
taking a post-structuralist or postmodernist perspective who affirm that
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 95
women are more conscious of the need for change than the writings of
many structural feminists suggest. Benjamin and Sullivan observe:
[G]ender consciousness can be thought of as a continuum along which a gener-
alized gender awareness is succeeded by a consciousness of the rights associated
within specific gender locations within a given system. (1999: 797)
We were interested in establishing whether the attitudes of our respondents
were more towards the specific than the generalized end of this continuum
and, if they were towards the specific end, what were the chances they
would press their partners to enter into negotiations with them, and what
were their chances of success if they did?
The key questions the paper addresses are these:
· Who do members of this sample think are getting the best deal from mar-
riage: husbands or wives?
· What reasons do they offer for the global judgement they make?
· Are their perceptions consistent with the claims of structural feminists
who say men are getting the best deal?
· When making their judgements about marital relationships generally
what appears to matter the most to respondents: instrumental factors
(division of workload, opportunities for leisure, etc.), or affective factors
(companionship, emotional support), or both?
· Are men and women in agreement or do they differ significantly in their
judgements and justifications?
· Are there gender differences in the nature and extent of complaints men
and women offer about their own marriages?
· How equitable are the reported divisions of housework, childcare and
opportunities for leisure?
· Do the perceptions offered by respondents about specific aspects of their
own marriages ­ instrumental, emotional and companionate ­ indicate a
consciousness of a need for any changes?
· What is the likelihood of any initiative they take succeeding?
The study and characteristics of the sample
In 1999, 85 Melbourne respondents participated in a study of marital rela-
tionships. No two respondents came from the same household. In 45 house-
holds the wife was interviewed and in 40 households the husband. For some
purposes it would have been helpful to interview both partners. However,
in this instance we did not do so because our purpose was to make gender
rather than husband/wife comparisons. I designed the interview schedule.
The interviews were carried out by students participating in an under-
graduate course on marriage at La Trobe University. All interviewers were
given eight hours' training with the interview schedule. In addition, stu-
dents were required to complete homework exercises on sociological
96 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
readings dealing with issues central to the inquiry. The interviews were
taped and fully transcribed. I took responsibility for the coding and analy-
sis of the data.
The findings from this study cannot be generalized statistically. We
worked with what is, in effect, a convenience sample. Students chose their
own respondents. They were, however, requested to try and obtain respon-
dents from households where both partners were engaged in paid work and
where there was at least one dependent child present. These requests were
made because of our interest in marital equity in the division of labour and
perceptions of equity. It has been established repeatedly that the household
workload is greatest when these conditions prevail.
The use of students for data collection may raise some eyebrows.
However, previous research has shown that students collect reliable data
when choosing their own respondents from members of the general public
(Noller et al., 1997). In this instance, students were given extensive briefing
on the purpose of the interviews and the schedule was examined in detail
in class. Ethical approval was sought and gained from the appropriate
university ethics committee for conducting the research. The content and
purpose of the interview were explained to each potential interviewee and
her/his signed approval was gained before proceeding with the interview.
Each student conducted three interviews and each interview lasted on
average between one and one-and-a-half hours. I checked the findings
for internal consistency. Five interviews were excluded because they
failed to meet this criterion. On issues where the topic under research was
similar to that of previous studies (e.g. the divisions of housework and
childcare, and opportunities for leisure), there was usually a fair degree of
consistency between the new findings and those from the earlier studies. It
should be borne in mind that in exploratory research of this nature the
major concern is not with representativeness of the findings but with gain-
ing some insights on matters where not a great deal is known: insights
which hopefully will form the basis for research with more representative
samples.
Women's average age was 33 years and men's 37 years. There was at
least one dependent child present in about two-thirds of the households (68
percent). The ethnic background of respondents was as follows. Thirty-
three percent of the women were of Anglo-Celtic background as were 43
percent of the men. Fifty percent of the women and 35 percent of the men
had Greek, Italian, Turkish or Macedonian backgrounds, and the remain-
ing men and women identified with either Asian or other European ethnic
groups.
All of the men and about three-quarters of the women had paying jobs.
Men were more likely to be employed full time and to work longer hours
than women. Women were engaged in paid employment for an average of
31 hours per week compared to men's average of 47 hours. Men were more
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 97
likely to have a middle-class job (66 percent versus 50 percent).1
The typi-
cal middle-class jobs for men were teaching, computer programming and
engineering, middle management positions in finance and planning, retail-
ing, and the hospitality industry, and small business ownership. For women,
the more common middle-class jobs were as follows: nursing, teaching and
customer service; receptionists and flight attendants; and self-employment
in retailing. Men in working-class jobs were employed as tradesmen (e.g.
fitter and turner), drivers, maintenance men and labourers. Women occu-
pying working-class positions were employed as shop assistants, cooks,
packers and process workers. One-third of both men and women had a ter-
tiary educational qualification. Women contributed, on average, a little less
than one-third of a couple's income (30 percent).
Respondents were questioned about both instrumental and affective
aspects of their marriage relationships. The schedule was comprised of
structured and open-ended questions. Male and female respondents were
asked to supply information on the number of hours each partner engaged
in housework and childcare, and how much responsibility each took for
each of these areas of activity. Respondents were asked whether they
believed marriage usually benefited one gender more than the other and
were requested to give reasons for their overall judgement. This procedure
was adopted because in a previous study of marriage (Dempsey, 1992) it
was found that, if respondents were asked about marriages in general, they
almost always talked about their own marriages and often more willingly
than if they were asked questions specifically about their own marriages. In
addition, we also questioned respondents directly about several facets of
their own marriage. The issues they were questioned about included:
respondents' perceptions of the fairness of the division of work, childcare
and opportunities for leisure; the availability of emotional support from
their partners; the willingness of partners to discuss respondents' worries or
problems; the extent to which partners caused respondents to feel loved and
cared for; how much criticism they received and for what kinds of things;
and ways in which respondents would like partners' behaviour to change.
Respondents were asked specifically if they would like partners to be less
busy with work or outside interests; more interested in physical lovemak-
ing; more responsive and receptive when engaged in conversation with
them; exercise more initiative in planning activities to do together. They
were also asked how happy they were with their marriage at the present
time.
There were numerous opportunities during the course of rather lengthy
interviews, which included many follow-up questions and probes, for
respondents to offer their approval or complaint, or a mixture of both,
about key aspects of their relationship and the behaviour of their
partner.
98 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
Results
Inequality in the division of labour and opportunities for leisure
Husbands as well as wives reported that wives ­ including those in full-time
paid employment ­ carried out the bigger share of housework and child-
care. The information provided by male as well as female respondents
showed men performed on average 75 percent of outside tasks (for exam-
ple, mowing the lawn) but women almost 90 percent of inside tasks (for
example, cooking and cleaning) and 80 percent of childcare tasks. It has
been demonstrated repeatedly that inside tasks take at least twice as much
time as outside ones (Baxter, 1993; Bittman, 1995). In addition, respon-
dents of both sexes stated that almost nine out of ten women took overall
responsibility for childcare and housework. It has also been shown repeat-
edly that inside tasks are likely to interfere more with external activities
including paid employment and leisure activities.
There was some variability in the nature and extent of men's participa-
tion in the tasks traditionally performed by wives. On the one hand, many
men were doing very little or nothing to reduce their wives' load. For
example, 60 percent of the wives said their husbands did at most 10 per-
cent of the inside tasks. More than half of the wives of these men had pay-
ing jobs. Two wives engaged in full-time paid work were married to men
reported to provide no assistance at all with inside work. On the other
hand, a number of husbands were doing a substantial amount of inside
work and childcare. In particular, two of the 45 wives said their husbands
carried out 50 percent of the inside tasks. Altogether, 13 wives (29 percent)
reported that their husbands carried out between 20 and 50 percent of
inside tasks. Three of the 13 husbands shared equally major responsibility
for the inside tasks.
Women spend substantially less time than their husbands engaged in
leisure activities both inside and outside the home. For example, respon-
dents were three times as likely to say husbands had more outside leisure
than wives (46 percent vs 14 percent). The remainder said they both had an
equal amount of leisure. Only one in ten male respondents said that their
wives had more leisure than they did outside the home.
Who gets the best deal from marriage?
When this question was put to respondents, about three-quarters of the
women said that men got the best deal (78 percent). Men were more divided
in their judgements. Nevertheless, 40 percent did agree that they did better
from marriage than women. Only a minority of male (25 percent) and
female (16 percent) respondents said women got the best deal. Men were
much more likely than women to state that both sexes did equally well out
of marriage (35 percent vs 7 percent). When asked to explain the judgement
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 99
they had made, many respondents talked mainly or exclusively about their
own marriage.
Women's explanations of their judgements
Men get the best deal
Of the women who said men gained the most benefits from marriage, about
two-thirds considered this was because men were looked after by their
wives, or were not burdened with housework and childcare, or both (68
percent):
I say it [men get the best deal] because he [her husband] gets all his physical needs
met. Basically he doesn't have to do anything at home: cook, clean, anything like
that. (30-year-old psychology counsellor)
Quite a few women drew an analogy between the care mothers provided
for sons and the type of care wives provided for their husbands:
They [men] seem to go from their mother to another mother, some of them any-
way. (46-year-old sales assistant)
Some women emphasized that men were better off because wives were
always there for what one called the `husband-child':
Men are more certain [than women are about their partner] that the partner is
always going to be there for them. Women take up a mother-like role and con-
tinue to mother them: feeding them; washing up after them; and so on. (25-year-
old telemarketer)
Several women mentioned that men were looked after more than women
were looked after:
Women get looked after to a certain amount financially but men get looked after
physically. (40-year-old consultant)
Many women emphasized that men got the best deal because they were
free of responsibility for housework and for caring for children:
Husbands [have the best deal because they] are exempted from responsibility for
household chores and jobs to do with the children. (23-year-old salesperson)
Some of these women stressed that housework and childcare entailed
emotional and mental work as well as physical work:
They don't have the full responsibility of running a house like we do. They have
their job [paid] and their outside jobs at home, but they don't have all the men-
tal stress and worry of the problems to do with the kids and sorting out differ-
ent things in the household. (47-year-old salesperson)
Several women pointed out that they too had a paid job as well as the
responsibility at home:
100 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
Women have a greater responsibility than men. In today's society we have to go
out to work but when we come back we've got the household to look after and
the children. We have to think about what is going on tomorrow and the day
after tomorrow. We have to plan for the situations that will arise. I have to pre-
pare the children's clothes for the following morning. In my case my husband will
do what he is told but he has to be told! (34-year-old flight attendant)
In the justifications they offered for saying men got the best deal, 25 per-
cent of the women made a reference to men's greater freedom:
He's out of the house because he doesn't have anything to do at home and he's
mixing with people at work. (30-year-old student)
Some women saw men's best deal in marriage as one manifestation of
their advantaged position in society:
Men get a better deal in life generally. They get more choice over what happens
to their bodies. They get better opportunities in their career. As for me, in five
years I'll still be a mother and wife. (27-year-old homemaker)
Women do better from marriage than men
One in six women said that they got the best deal. These women usually
attributed their perceived greater gains to men's responsibility to serve as
the family's principal or sole economic provider:
Women get the best deal because men have a huge responsibility. They have to
support their families and homes for the rest of their lives. No thank you. (40-
year-old homemaker)
Women were also likely to attribute their better deal to their opportun-
ity to have children or to the opportunity to experience the joy of raising
them:
I get the chance to watch the kids grow up. I see them take their first steps. I hear
their first words. He misses out on most of this because he is away at work all
the time. (36-year-old homemaker married to a factory manager working 53
hours each week)
Men's explanations for their judgements
Men get the best deal
Four in ten men reported that they got a better deal from marriage than
their wives. Some of these men (like many women) explained their judge-
ment by saying that women (not men) were stuck with responsibility for the
work at home:
A woman's responsibilities don't end when her husband comes home. A lot
of men think that it's a woman's job to do everything. (37-year-old police
officer)
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 101
The man gets the better deal because the wife is the caretaker. She runs the family,
looks after everything. As a man I am more career oriented. The family's devel-
opment is her concern. (30-year-old self-employed tradesman)
Several men attributed their better deal to the mothering activity their
wives practised on their behalf. Some of these stressed the total character of
their care: emotional as well as physical:
Men are like babies. You know when they are born their mothers treat them like
gods then they only leave home so that their wives can treat them like gods. Why
don't they live on their own? They have to get married because they cannot cope
by themselves! Women are stronger than men they can survive on their own but
men need the companionship of women. (37-year-old credit controller)
There were men (as well as women) who stressed that men's greater
autonomy ensured they had the best deal:
Marriage seems to work more for men. Women lose their vehicle out into soci-
ety by giving up their jobs to raise children so they don't have the sphere of free-
dom that men still have by having their job. (32-year-old clerk)
Women get the best deal
One in four men offered the assessment that women gained the most from
marriage. Some of these men argued that women were more in need of sup-
port than the other way around. They were stereotyped as the fragile sex
whom men protected:
Women are a bit weaker than men and so they need more looking after. They
need more care and emotional support. (34-year-old small business owner)
Some men argued that women got the best deal in marriage because they
were dependent economically on men:
Well I say women get the best deal because in a lot of cases they are provided for
in a marriage. (32-year-old office manager)
Women always get the best of everything. They get diamonds, jewels. They get
shoes, dresses, you name it, they've got it. They are happy if they've got a hus-
band that owns a factory ­ wow! (50-year-old clothing manufacturer)
Both men and women gain, if in different ways
About one-third of men said it was not possible to decide which sex gained
most from marriage and opted for the position that both benefited equally:
Both get a good deal because men and women contribute equally in different
ways. (33-year-old computer operator)
Depends on the partnership and how eager they both are to make it work. It's
equal. (40-year-old schoolteacher)
102 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
It is not possible to say because the man gets what he gets from a marriage and
a woman gets what she gets. If you're both happy and in love then it's neither
gets the better deal. (49-year-old media consultant)
They both get something out of the marriage. (42-year-old security guard)
Respondents' perceptions of their marriages
The answers provided by respondents to questions about their own mar-
riages reinforced the message they communicated when talking about mar-
riage in general. Women proved to be less satisfied with their marriages
than men and they revealed a greater awareness of the need for change. For
example, wives were less likely to say they were very happy with their mar-
riage relationship (47 percent vs 65 percent) or to agree with the statement:
`Every new thing I learn about my partner pleases me' (47 percent vs 75
percent). When asked which they found the most rewarding ­ caring for
children, doing other jobs at home and caring for one's partner ­ women
were much less likely than men to choose caring for one's partner (12 per-
cent vs 44 percent). Wives were also much keener about achieving substan-
tial changes in their marriages. For example, they were more likely to say
they did not want their marriages to go on in the future in the same way as
they had in the past (58 percent vs 30 percent).
Women lodged far more specific complaints than men about the attitudes
and behaviour of partners. One woman made 28 separate complaints. Two-
thirds of women made three or more complaints. Only one-quarter of the
men made as many. Women expressed more dissatisfaction with the instru-
mental aspects of their marital relationships. In particular, a larger propor-
tion of women than of men reported that the following were unfair to them:
the divisions of housework (including `inside' and `outside' tasks) (71 per-
cent vs 10 percent); childcare (64 percent vs 4 percent); and the opportuni-
ties for leisure (40 percent vs 5 percent).
Women also offered far more complaints than men about the affective
and companionate aspects of their relationships. These included the fol-
lowing:
· inadequate communication (38 percent vs 18 percent);
· spending insufficient time with partner (51 percent vs 23 percent);
· being too busy with either work or outside interests (71 percent vs 30
percent);
· failing to exercise sufficient initiative in organizing joint activities (76
percent vs 48 percent).
The only aspect of marital relationships men were more likely to want to
change in the future was physical love-making. Thirty-three percent of men
compared to two percent of women complained that their partner showed
insufficient interest in physical love-making.
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 103
Discussion and conclusion
This paper opened with Jessie Bernard's claim that marriage was twice as
good for men as for women, and women's marriages needed upgrading.
The evidence that has been reviewed concerning the division of unpaid
work and opportunities for leisure among members of this sample corrob-
orates rather than challenges her view and the views of structuralists such
as Chafetz (1990) and Delphy and Leonard (1992), and profeminists, such
as McMahon (1999). It is important to stress that the results showing that
women carry an inordinate share of the load at home cannot be attributed
to the unrepresentative nature of the sample. These findings are consistent
with those from many recent studies in which a probability sample has been
used (Bittman, 1995; Wilkie et al., 1998). Similarly, the finding that men are
likely to experience greater opportunities for leisure especially away from
home has been replicated in a number of previous studies (Bittman and
Wajcman, 2000; Deem, 1986). However, it also needs emphasizing that a
minority of men were supplying substantial assistance with inside tasks.
Ferree (1991) and Benjamin and Sullivan (1999) say we should not take as
our benchmark for assessing whether significant change is occurring an
equal sharing of tasks. Rather, we should see as promising small increases
in men's willingness to respond to their wife's need for greater involvement
as circumstances changed. From an employed wife's point of view, there is
a world of difference between a husband who does nothing in the face of
his wife's requests and one who is prepared to be flexible and assist as the
need arises. Wives do not always see it that way. Many, it appears, are now
pressing for husbands to share daily responsibility for tasks rather than help
when the need arises (Dempsey, 2000).
The large majority of women respondents in this study expressed views
that were more consonant with the main thrust of the arguments advanced
by feminists writing from a structural perspective than a post-structuralist
perspective. Four out of five of them gave reasons for saying men (includ-
ing their own husbands) got the best deal from marriage that were tanta-
mount to saying men used the physical, emotional and psychological labour
of wives without adequate reciprocity. Not only did most of these women
say wives took much better care of men than vice versa but that men were
on the better wicket in part because wives took care of men's children and
also because men enjoyed more personal autonomy and leisure. Frequently,
wives linked these latter gains to their physical and emotional labour.
A minority of men concurred with the judgements of women. But most
men expressed either the view that women got the best deal or that both
partners did equally well from marriage.
The views expressed in this study ­ particularly by female respondents ­
about marriage in general and their own marriages in particular confirmed
in important respects the findings from several previous in-depth studies of
104 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
marital attitudes and from studies of the attitudes of divorcees concerning
their former marriages. As in such studies, the women in the present study
were more critical than men of their partners. And, as in the previous
research, the complaints of female respondents focused on men's failure to
provide sufficient emotional support, companionship and intimacy.
However, the women in this study were much more incensed about the
inequity of their domestic workload and their lesser personal autonomy
than were female divorcees when asked to talk about why their former mar-
riages dissolved.
This difference in outcomes may be due to differences in research
methods. Often researchers fail to ask divorcees specific questions aimed at
eliciting their views on the domestic division of labour in their former mar-
riages. Respondents in this study were questioned directly on this matter.
Perhaps issues of domestic and childcare overload play a greater part in
marital breakdown than many retrospective reports of divorcees suggest
(Kitson, 1992). There is also the possibility that resentment over instru-
mental aspects of the marriage assumes greater significance when the situa-
tion producing the dissatisfaction is more immediate than located at some
time in the past.
The women in the current study were more than twice as likely as those
surveyed in previous representative studies of perceptions of marital equity
to say that the divisions of housework and childcare were unfair to them.
This difference could also be the product of sampling bias, as a convenience
sample was used for the present study. However, the higher proportion of
women declaring the division of unpaid work to be unfair may reflect the
fact that respondents were given many opportunities to talk in their own
words about various aspects of their marriage. Such an approach may
encourage more respondents to acknowledge that their partner is treating
them unfairly than an approach which utilizes only highly structured ques-
tions as is the case with the typical large-scale survey of perceptions of fair-
ness. What is true is that the finding that most women declared the division
of unpaid work was unfair to them was consistent with the specific
criticisms most of them made about their partners' failure to carry out suf-
ficient work at home. Perhaps far more women perceive they are being
treated unfairly than most current surveys of women's perceptions of fair-
ness indicate.
Most of the women interviewed for this study revealed what post-
structuralist feminists assert is the necessary if not sufficient condition for
change: an awareness of inequities and other shortcomings occurring at
specific sites in their marriage. Unfortunately, awareness that things need
changing is rarely transformed in a straightforward way into a more equi-
table or satisfying situation (Benjamin and Sullivan, 1999). Women often
fail to get onto the table for discussion the things they want changed. For
example, Benjamin and Sullivan deliberately included in their sample for an
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 105
in-depth study of marital consciousness and change women who had
proven negotiating skills (marriage counsellors and social workers). Yet, the
authors report that most interviewees `could not bring their partner to dis-
cuss certain issues' (Benjamin and Sullivan, 1999: 808). They go on to say:
`Of the 28 marital conversations which were described 17 excluded house-
work as a topic of conversation' (Benjamin and Sullivan, 1999: 808). In
each instance, it was excluded because one or both partners believed to
include it would be tantamount to challenging the relationship itself. Half
the interviewees also reported that the issues of intimacy and emotional
support were excluded from the marital conversation for similar reasons.
Even if a wife can get a husband to the negotiating table, achieving
change in key facets of marital relationships will often prove very difficult.
Both partners have important resources that can deliver power but, up to
this point in time, males are far more advantaged than females structurally
and ideologically. As Ferree observes: `Gender disadvantage in the wider
society [which favours men] is transmitted into the internal power structure
of the individual household' (1991: 160). In an Australian context, the
research of Wearing (1990), Gill (1993), Collis (1999) and Dempsey
(1997b, 2000) shows how difficult it is for women when faced with the
resistance of their partners to redress wrongs over such crucial matters as
unpaid workload, personal autonomy, or opportunities for leisure.
Husbands need to surrender power and privilege
The likelihood of achieving more equitable and emotionally rewarding
marriages will be greatly enhanced if those who benefit the most from pre-
sent arrangements ­ that is men ­ change their outlook, feelings and
behaviour. The information provided by the husbands we interviewed sug-
gests that probably a majority would be indifferent or resistant to any
attempts of their wives to negotiate substantial changes over such matters
as the divisions of unpaid work and prevailing leisure arrangements. They
may also be resistant to the attempts of wives to change existing patterns of
communication and emotional support, but a substantial minority may be
responsive to such overtures.
However, it is also true that the answers provided by a substantial minor-
ity of men to questions about who gets the best deal from marriage pro-
vided some grounds for optimism. Forty percent of the men did agree that
husbands got the best deal and they commonly attributed men's better deal
to the same factors as most of the female respondents: women's greater
housework and emotional workload and, to a lesser extent, men's greater
emotional dependence on partners. It was apparent from the interviews
that, when they were asked to offer their views on marriage in general, men
were extrapolating from their own marital experience. Consequently, we
were encouraged to believe that the men were conscious of the need for spe-
cific changes in their own marriage. We were also encouraged by finding
106 Journal of Sociology 38(2)
that a majority of these same men articulated egalitarian ideals when asked
how they believed domestic tasks should be divided between husbands and
wives. For example, 81 percent agreed or strongly agreed with the state-
ment:
Both partners in a relationship should divide evenly the household tasks of wash-
ing dishes, preparing meals and doing the laundry.
However, their responses to other questions suggested that it would be a
mistake to be overly optimistic about the readiness of these men to agree to
substantial changes in their marital relationships. More than two-thirds of
the men supplied information that showed either their wives had an
inequitably large share of housework and childcare or that they (that is the
men) had more opportunities than wives to engage in leisure activities out-
side the home. Most men were advantaged in at least two of these three
respects. Yet, only a minority of them said they were doing less than their
fair share either of housework (37 percent) or childcare (18 percent) or that
their wife's opportunity for leisure was unfair (44 percent). The comments
some of the men volunteered communicated the message that it was not
their fault that their wives had a greater workload. Rather it was the
unlucky break that went with being women. Two-thirds of these men also
said that men were not as loving and connected to other people as women.
It is plausible to argue that beliefs such as these will allow men to justify to
themselves and others leaving most of the caring work to their wives.
Qualified optimism about the future
Notwithstanding what has just been said, there are some empirical grounds
for optimism about relationships becoming more equitable and more
emotionally rewarding in the future. This study together with some earlier
studies strongly suggests that many women have had their consciousness
raised about the inequalities and other problems occurring at specific loca-
tions in their marriage. It is also true that some women have negotiated suc-
cessfully with husbands for changes in such things as the division of unpaid
work, the quality of communication and affective relationships (Benjamin
and Sullivan, 1999; Collis, 1999; Dempsey, 2000). Often these women have
gained much less than they were seeking but they have improved their situ-
ation to a limited degree.
We also know that the chance of women achieving more equitable mar-
riages in the future will be increased if they have been engaged in full-time
paid work for a considerable period of time (Gershuny, 1995, cited by
Benjamin and Sullivan, 1999). Women are more likely to bargain success-
fully for change if they define themselves and their husbands define them as
co-providers rather than as supplementary earners (Hood, 1983) and
women's negotiating skills are enhanced (Benjamin and Sullivan, 1999;
Komter, 1989).
Dempsey: Who gets the best deal from marriage? 107
Benjamin and Sullivan (1999) suggest that, in order to increase the
ability of women to achieve more equitable marriages, it would be helpful
to have more in-depth research that focuses on interactive processes in mar-
riages where women negotiate successfully with their husbands. Hope-
fully, such research will elucidate the resources, attitudes and strategies that
facilitate achieving difficult transformations and alert us to those strategies
that reduce the likelihood of women making substantial gains. But women's
attempts to bargain successfully for change are still more often than
not thwarted by men's refusal to sacrifice some of their power and change
their attitudes and feelings. Men's professed egalitarianism and emotional
empathy with their wives are often shallow rather than supported by
powerful feelings that this is how relationships ought to be. The educative
effort of feminists and profeminists should now target men. Men have
learnt to say the right things (which can be a way of heading off significant
change) rather than develop a moral commitment to achieving more equi-
table and emotionally rewarding marriages. As Susan Maushart (2001) said
recently, it is men rather than women who need to experience a change of
heart.
Note
1 Classes are defined here as aggregates of people sharing similar market situa-
tions, as indexed by occupation and employment status (Jones and Davis, 1986).
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