{Lights on. Granny in chair unknitting. Empty chair next to her.
   MAIN enters backwards}
   G (without looking up}: Ah, here you are, my dear. I was wondering when you'd come.
   MAIN: Who are you and how did you know that I'd come?
   G: Oh, everybody knows you're here, sweetie. We don't get new guests very often at our hotel.
   Nice warm spell of weather, isn't it?
   MAIN: Wait, what hotel? What are you talking about?
   G: Oh, this boat hotel, darling. We're waiting here for the rain.
   MAIN: How'd I get onto a boat? And what water are we on?
   G: My child, I told you, we're waiting for rain. We're on dry land. How many others of us have
   you met so far?
   MAIN: Just 2 maniacs. I don't understand about the land.
   G: Don't worry yourself, honey, you'll understand when the time comes. They always do.
   MAIN {emotionally/confusedly}: What? What?
   G: Did I hear something about maniacs? Tell me something about them.
   MAIN {slowly/confusedly} There was a girl obsessed with her appearance and a man fixated on
   cleaning.
   G:We both know they and they're not crazy. {to chair} Isn't that right?
   MAIN: Who are you talking to?
   G: Oh, where are my manners? I haven't introduced you. This is my friend, Robert.
   MAIN: Robert is your chair?!?!? Do you name all of your furniture? And who is this? {points to
   table}
   G: Oh, no, no, no, Sugar. There's just Robert. He's sitting in the chair.
   MAIN: Oh, I see. . . . Actually, I don't. Wha-
   G: Shh, shh, shh. Don't interrupt Robert. {pause - listening - then to chair} That's a good
   idea. She looks about the right size. {to MAIN} Could you spare your sweater?
   MAIN {ironically}: Do you also want to clean it?
   G: Oh no, pumpkin. It's my passion to undo sweaters for everyone.
   MAIN: That's it. I've had enough. I'm leaving this crazy place. {runs off}
   G: You see, Robert? It's always the same with newcomers.

(Princesses enter, find some of their stuff.)

   Beauty: So what did your handbag look like?

   Cinderella: (spots the handbag in the sand) well, it was red with these little glittering...

   Beauty: What are the odds! I had exactly the same - Prada?

   Cinderella: Yeah!

   Beauty: (notices the bag on the ground and grabs it) got it!

   Cinderella: No, wait, this one's mine.

   Beauty: Eh-eh, sweetie, it isn't.

   Cinderella: It's mine, I'm positive. See this little scratch here?

   Beauty: Aah, let me see then.

   Cinderella: Hands off!

   Beauty: I just wanna take a look.

   Cinderella: Yeah, right!

   Beauty: Give it to me. It's mine. (Tries to steal it)

   Cinderella: No, it's not!

   Beauty: Yes, it is!!! (they fight, tear the handbag apart)

   Cinderella: I think you can keep it, (C leaves, B packs her pockets with make-up, etc., which
   she picks up from the ground)

Jack and Dean walk in from opposite sides. Jack is carrying a sleeping bag.

Dean: Hey, Jack. Where are you off to?

Jack: Dean, you son-of-a-monkey, how are you?

Dean: Dude, just ran out of cash and on my way to pick up some more.

Jack: Did you spend it all on porn . . . again?

Dean: Nah, I got a real woman coming over tonight - need to get some things. What should I get for
her?

Jack: The F Word - it always works.

Dean: What?

Jack: Flowers, you idiot. What else could I have meant?

Dean: I'm sure going to get her a lot of F Words.

Jack slaps him on the back: That's the spirit.

Dean: Where are you heading, anyway?

Jack: I got a second chance, so I'm taking the family on a trip.

Dean: Second chance? I knew you had problems, but a family trip? Isn't that a bit much? With the
parents, too? How will you all get on for so long?

Jack: No, man, you don't understand. There was this weird guy in the bar after you left.

Dean: What? What are you talking about? What bar?

Jack: Oh, I forgot, you wouldn't remember that.

Dean: Are you back on drugs?

Jack: No, dude, I travelled in time.

Dean: So you are back on drugs.

Jack: Seriously, no drugs. It really happened. Cathy went on a school trip and died. Then I met
this guy who -

Dean: Wait a minute, who died?

Jack: Cathy. She's OK now, but she was dead.

Dean: OK, whatever drugs you're on, I'd like some.

Jack: Forget the drugs.

Neighbour enters: Hey, Dean, fancy meeting you here.

Dean: Hey. I'm still mad you didn't invite me to that bar-b-que I could see in your backyard.

Neighbour: Sorry, buddy, it was a family thing. You know how it is. So, you're renovating your
house? I was thinking of doing it myself, so maybe you could give me the number of your guys.

Dean: Wait, what are you talking about? What guys?

Neighbour: I saw some people going in your house with some tools. I just assumed.

Dean: When?

Neighbour: Just now, when I was leaving.

Dean: Are you fucking kidding me?

Neighbour: No, seriously. You might want to go have a look.

Dean: Jack, man, I got to run. You can finish your drug story later. runs away

Jack yells after him: It wasn't drugs!

Fade Out

Chief is sitting in his office. He is busy by reading and writing some important papers. Knock,
knock, knock.

Roger: May I interrupt you for a while? hesitantly They, th- th- they pointing at the door, shaking
told me you wanted to speak with me.

Chief: Of course, sure, please do come in. isn’t paying attention to him -too occupied filling in
forms; doesn't even look at him

Roger: Oh. I . . . I . . . see you are extremely busy, I don’t want to bother you. sounds afraid,
turns to the door with hope. I will come next time.

Chief: Oh no, no, my boy, you are not bothering me at all. Come and tell me how our investigation
is proceeding. stands up, doesn't finish his sentence, recognizing that Roger is injured, stares at
him for a while

Chief shouts in surprise: GREENHORN! What is this?

Roger: Well, I would like to explain it to you, but . . .

Chief angrily: But what?

Roger: All right then breathes in and out I am just gonna say it but please, please, promise that
you will stay calm.

Chief: You can count on it - I will . . . stay . . . BLOODY calm!! shouts the last two words and
hits the table with both hands

Roger: Well, I went to those crazy Scottish people; you know the freedom fighters to ask them a few
questions about our case. But suddenly, I don’t even know why, they completely freaked out and
attacked me.

Chief: Oh I see. . . . You poor thing. Does it hurt much?

Roger nodding: Yes it does, I am in awful pain.

Chief: Oh, really? Are you? Roger nods more Good, because if you weren't I'd have to break your
other arm as well. shouts at him angrily Only in that case could you realize how miserable I feel
right now!!! Roger: looks afraid Tell me, how could you be so stupid? Do you know what this means?
Do you realize how we will look? How I will look? walking back and forth I'll tell you . . . short
pause like the biggest idiot. sitting down, covering his face in his hands Oh, I think I am gonna
be ill. long pause How about the Mafia?

Roger: The Mafia? surprised What about them?

Chief: Yes Greenhorn, the Mafia...did you manage to contact the Mafia Boss?

Roger dreamily: Yes, I met her.

Chief hopefully: And . . .

Roger: And I had the chance to talk to her.

Chief starting to be slightly annoyed: And . . .

Roger: And she was so cute.

Chief a bit angry: And . . .

Roger looks puzzled

Chief: Oh my GOD, Greenhorn, wake up! Did you find out anything that could help us . . . anyhow?

Roger doesn’t know what to say: hm ...well...not exactly

Chief: So are you trying to tell me that we have absolutely nothing?!?!

Roger: Unfortunately . . . yes, slight pause sir

Chief: Are you suggesting that you don’t have the slightest idea where the queen could be?

Roger almost crying: Yes, sir

Chief: That everybody will think that the chief of the police is the biggest loser.

Roger doesn’t realizing what he is agreeing with: Yes, sir.

Chief: GET OUT!!! stands up furiously, points at the door

Roger astonished: what?

Chief really angry now: DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? GET OUT OR I WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU. Throws all the
papers that were on his table at Roger. And don’t come back until you have some clues!

Roger leaves immediately; Chief throws his box full of pencils at the closed door. Sits down and
cover his head in his hands. Scene ends.