INTRODUCTION TO ZOMBIE STUDIES [BLUE = my new suggestions] Cast: Petra F. – Head of Zombie Studies Department MARGARET HATCHETT, “Ms. [miz] Hatchett” Štefan S. – Zippie Zombie teacher MALCOLM Z., “Mr. Z” Jan H. – Mad Scientist PROF. FRANCIS NICOLAS STEIN, “Prof. Stein” Kateřina Š. – Zombie Literature Expert MILDRED SHATTERSPINE, “Miss Shatterspine” Alena H. – Linguist PROF. Dr. ´DOCENT Lengi´neer CHOWSKI, M.A. Zing, Ph.Z. – if we’re one of the first “zomb” education programs, shouldn’t she have only degrees from the old world? Besides, it would make the joke a bit easier to understand Ing. Rambousek – First-Generation Zombie Petra [to the audience]: All right, everybody calm down, I know you’re excited about passing the entrance exams, you can make friends later. Ready? Welcome to the Department of Zombie Studies! Katka: Oh, Prof. Stein is missing! [pronounced Steen] Petra: Again? Where is he? (Alena: Hiding in the broom closet and drinking, maybe?) Štefan: Dead, I hope. Petra: Don’t we all. [To the audience:] This is an orientation meeting for all you young fresh-faced naïve first years, the so-called future of humankind. Jan [runs up on/burst onto the stage]: Heureka! Heureka! I’ve discovered that the zombie virus indeed can be mutated so that cats can catch it! [Notices the audience.] Oh. Welcome to the Department of Zombie Studies! The more brains, the better! [Waves with the skull in his hand.] Petra: Thank you, Prof. Stein. [pronounced Steen] Katka: Wait, zombie cats? Oopsy daisy, ……. ! Petra: Anyway, the WDZP curriculum says we have to go over the recent history that led up to the formation of this department. And because I really can’t be bothered, to sum up the Zombie Apocalypse, I give you our zombie rights expert, Malcolm Z. Štefan: Zokey, everybody knows this, so bear with me, people. SONG: CHORUS (who sings? Should be just Štefan, not more than two teachers) Our whole universe was in a normal state nearly fourteen and a half months ago the zombies start to reign the Facebook was the tool that made so many people drool and only Linux guys were cool nerds built the wall (we built a firewall) cats, saucers, blasphemy were burried deep in history and we all hail the WDZ! P! SPOKEN VERSE: ŠTEFAN EXPLAINS HOW THE FACEBOOK VIRUS TURNED EVERYONE INTO ZOMBIES EXCEPT FOR LINUX OWNERS (AS SHOWED AND CLEARLY GLORIFIED BY KATKA AND ALENA); HOW MANY PEOPLE SURVIVED; HOW THE LINUX GEEKS DECIDED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, CLAIMED THE REMAINING CIVILIZATION, AND CREATED THE WDPZ (THE WORLD DOMINATION OVER PLANET ZEARTH)... Jan: All hail the WDZP! Everybody Else [in a forced monotone voice]: All hail the WDZP...///GESTURE/// Petra: The department of English and American Studies was decimated. Alena: Actually more than decimated, because “to decimate” means to take away one tenth, students. Petra (rolls her eyes): Sure. But the remaining survivors did NOT give up on education. Heroically, we restructured the whole system and transformed into the Department of Zombie Studies! Štefan: But that, of course, Ms. [PC - pronounced mizzz] Hatchet, would never have happened if it wasn’t for our second generation... ŠTEFAN EXPLAINS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIRST GENERATION ZOMBIES (THE OLD-SCHOOL BLOOD-THIRSTY MAN-EATERS OR AS WE LIKE TO CALL THEM “CONSERVATIVES”) AND SECOND GENERATION ZOMBIES WHO ARE NOW TRYING TO CO-EXIST WITH HUMANS IN PEACE. JAN: And let´s not forget about the grave importance of our beloved WDZP! Without its motherly care and firm iron grasp we would be but another pile of ca´davers rotting away in the mud. ŠTEFAN: Well certainly, but… JAN: And the money, of course, the money. Thanks to our generous WDZP, it is dead easy to conduct virus research, create brain-eating mons… and teach lessons. The all-important lessons. INTERJECTS THAT THE DEPARTMENT IN FACT OWNS ITS EXISTENCE COMPLETELY TO WDPZ’S FUNDING AND PATRONAGE. ALL TEACHERS STARTS TO GRUMBLE IN DISAGREEMENT, JAN EXCLAIMS THAT “WDZP SEES ALL AND CONTROLS ALL”, OTHER TEACHERS RAISE THEIR VOICES TO PROTEST... Jan: AND IF ANY OF YOU TRY SOMETHING FUNNY, WE’RE GONNA BLAST YOU FROM THE ORBIT! - The music stops, everybody freezes and looks at Jan with wide eyes. Then suddenly, the chorus starts playing and we all sing it. Petra: Next up in the program are the safety instructions. Again, I couldn’t care less, so here’s PROF. Dr. Docent Chowski, [M.A. ZOMB, ZOMB.H.D.] Alena: Hello, I am DR. PROF. Docent Chowski, M.A. ZOMB, ZOMB.H.D. [enunciates every title pedantically]... Zlinguistics Zombetics – must not be mistaken for zombie ethics! – the study of the physical properties of [the name of the zombie speech] production and perception Zombology – the study of zombs as discrete, abstract elements in the speaker’s mind that distinguish meaning Zorphology – the study of zorphemes, or the internal structures of words and how they can be modified. Zemantics – the study of the meaning of words and phrases Zombie stylistics – the study of linguistic factors that place a discourse in context Zemiotics – the study of signs and sign processes Zombie syntax – the study of how owrds combine to form grammatical sentences INTRODUCES THE FIRST-AID KIT (FOR HUMANS), SECOND-AID KIT (FOR ZOMBIES –CONTAINS THE BRAIN MODEL – MONTHY PYTHON REFERENCE: IT’S A MODEL – SHUSH!), AND THIRD-AID KIT (IN CASE MILA JOVOVICH SHOWS UP – A DIRECTOR’S GET-UP) Resident Evil Petra: Safety issues were also the reason we had to cancel all Erasmus programs. Parents complained that the journey between the universities was so dangerous our students tended to return in parts. But let me ask you: What is a high death rate nowadays, anyway? But noo, the parents would go on and on about the loss of their first-borns and second-borns... No academic spirit, let me tell you. All right then, what’s next. I give you Miss Shatterspine, our literature teacher, who will tell you about your compulsory subjects and what it takes to finish the program and get your degree. KATKA IS LISTS THE COMPULSORY SUBJECT OF ZOMBIE STUDIES: INTRODUCTION TO ZOMBIE STUDIES, PRE-ZOMBIE HISTORY, ZOMBIE HISTORY, POST-ZOMBIE HISTORY, ZOMBIE CULTURAL STUDIES... + COULD MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HOW COMPLICATED THE INFORMATION SYSTEM IS/ABOUT STUDIJNI ODDELENI/ABOUT THE DISTURBING IDEA OF A SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOR MIXED STUDENTS. Petra: Now it’s time for course recommendations! Let’s start with Prof. Francis Nicolas Stein [Steen]. Jan: It’s Stein, please! Prof. Frank. N. Stein. [a thunder soundeffect would be great right now!!] - Zombie Anatomy + searching for volunteers for his experiments. Free credits, anyone? Petra: Let’s continue with our resident linguist, DR. PROF. DOCENT CHOWSKI [more degrees].... Alena: Zombie dialects (“brains” in 10 languages with exagerrated pronunciation, makes the audience repeat the word) + Zombie Syntax (“Zyntax! Hehe,” Jan chuckles) Petra: Your turn to plug your own course, Mr. Z. Štefan: Zombie Rights. Petra: Mr. Z has one more course to recommend, a wonderful result of collaboration between him and me – a series of lectures on Zombie Diplomacy. THE REST OF THE TEACHERS SNICKER AND GIGGLE. Petra: What?! I can be diplomatic! How do you think I got to be the head of the department? Jan: By poisoning your competition, everybody knows that! What, just me? Nobody else did tests on the dead bodies? THE TEACHERS GIVE HIM A DISGUSTED GLARE. Petra: Yes, we should definitely ALL focus on his terrible practices and not on his craaazy accusations. On with the program! Miss Shatterspine, do your shtick. Katka: Zombie Literature + now emerging: Zombie Poetry (We are now witnessing the very birth of zombie poetry with the first zombie rhyme ever to be recorded, "brain is pain", as quoted by a prominent zippie activist. (Štefan groan disapprovingly in the background.) Isn't it fascinating! I hope they start wearing sunglasses and party a lot, so we can call them Zombeatniks!) + Katka: We call them Zippies, isn’t it sweet? Like in the Sixties! Grooooovy! + Štefan: I must stop you there, Miss Shatterspine, that term is not zombi´litically correct. We like to call ourselves the Socially Integrated Undead. Petra: And now, to end this orientation meeting on a high note, we have a surprise for you students! Introducing our zombie interpreting specialist, the oldest member of faculty staff, and a brilliant first generation zombie speaker, Ing. Rambousek! MR. RAMBOUSEK COMES IN AND STARTS EATING ONE OF THE TEACHERS (Alena or Petra), JAN OBSERVES AND GIDDILY RECORDS DATA, KATKA SCREAMS, ŠTEFAN APOLOGIZES FOR HIS COLLEAGUE’S BEHAVIOR BUT WHEN SOMEONE CALLS HIM A “MONSTER”, HE OBJECTS THAT THE CORRECT TERM IS “A CONSERVATIVE”...