978061847794466000 O x u. JfimlCome A FAMILY TRAGICOMIC Alison bechdel HOUGHTON MlFFUN COMPAWV BOSTON! N£W YORK FOR MOM, CHRISTIAN, AND JOHN. W£ DIP HAVE A LOT OF FUN, IN SPfT£ OF EVERYTHING. copyright © 2004, BY alison BECHDEL au- rights reserved for information about permission to reproduce selections prom this book, write to permissions, houghton miffun compass, 21& park avenue south, new York, new vork 10003. VISrr our we& SrTt: www.HOUGMTONMIFn.inbooks.com UBfVftf Of congress CATALOGt&-M-PVBUCAT!OH DATA bechoel, alison, date. fun home.: a family tragicomic / auson BECHOet-p. cm. XSBN-13: 978-0-618-47794-4 isbn-w: 0-4,18-47794-2 1. bechoel, Alison, date-comic books, strips, etc. 2. gartoowists-umfted states-comic books, strips, etc 3. graphic novels. i. title. PNt,T27.B37S7Z4fc 2006 741.&-973-dc22 20oso30304 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA aWT »98765432 CONTENTS 1. old father, old artificer 1 2. a happy death 25 3. that old catastrophe 55 4. in the shadow of Young girls in flower 87 5- the canary-colored caravan of death 121 6- the ideal husband 151 7, tvfe antihero's journey 187 tu Ol co a jí n jí 3 LIKE MANY FATHERS, MINE COULD AS HE LAUNCHED M£, MY FULL WEIGHT OCCASIONALLY BE PREVAILED ON FOR WOULD FALL ON THE PIVOT POINT A SPOT OF "AIRPLANE." BETWEEN HIS FEET AND MY STOMACH. rT WAS A DISCOMFORT WELL. WORTH THE RARE PHYSICAL CONTACT, AND CERTAINLY WORTH THE MOMENT OF PERFECT BALANCE WHEN I SOARED ABOVE HIM. 3 COMSfOCRf.MG THE FATE OF ICARUS AFTER HE FUOUfeD HIS FATHER'S ADVICE AMP FLEW SO CLOSE TO THE SUM HIS WIMGS MELTED, PERHAPS SOME DARK HUMOR IS IWTEMDeD. 4 when other children called our house a mansion, i would demur i resented the implication that my family was rich, or unusual in any way. were not rich in tact, we VJZRB unusual, though i wouldnt appreciate exactly how unusual until much later. but we the gilt cornices, the marble fireplace, the crystal chandeliers, the shelves of calf-bound books—these were not so much bought as produced from thin air by my father's remarkable legerdemain. 5 MY FATHER COULD SPIN GARBAGE... ..JNTO GOLD. HE COULD TRANSFIGURE A ROOM WITH HE COULP CONJURE AN ENTTRE, FINISHED THE SMALLEST OFFHAND FLOURISH- PERIOD INTERIOR FROM A PAINT CHfP. HEWASANALCHEWST OF APPEARANCE, A SAVANT OF SURFACE, A DAEDALUS OF DECOR, for if my father was icarus, he was also daedalus—that skillful artificer, that mad scientist who built the wfmgs for his sow amd designed the famous labyrinth... ..and who answered not to the laws of society, butto those of his craft. it was his passion. and z mean passion in every sense of the word. LlBfDfjsJAL MANIC MARTYRED. U V im n ■ M BUT LOCAL FORTUNES HAD DECLINED THE SHUTTERS AND SCROLLWORK WERE STEADILY FROM THAT POINT, AMD WHEN GONE. THE CLAPBOARDS HAD BEEN MY PARENTS BOUGHT THE PLACE IN 1962, SHEATHED WfTH SCABROUS SHINGLES. 8 THE BARE UGHTBULBS REVEALED DINGY ALL THAT WAS LEFT OF THE HOUSE'S WARTIME WALLPAPER AND WOODWORK LUMBER-ERA GLORY WERE THE PAINTED PASTEL GREEN. EXUBERANT PROMT PORCH SUPPORTS. HE WOULD PERFORM, AS DAEDALUS DIP, DAZZLING DISPLAYS OF ARTFULNESS. HE WOULD CULTIVATE THE BARREN YARD......INTO A LUSH, FLOWERING LANDSCAPE. HE WOULD MANIPULATE FLAGSTONES ..AND THE THINNEST, QUIVERING LAYERS THAT WEIGHED HALF A TON... OF GOLD LEAF. 10 BUT IN THE MOVIE WHEN JfMMY ...ITS OUT Of THE ORDINARY. he blithely betrayed the king, for example, when the queen asked him to build her a cow disguise so she could seduce the whfte bull. 11 INDEED, THE RESULT OF THAT SCHEME—A HE H/D THE MINOTAUR IN THE LA&YRINTH— HALF-BULL, HALF-MAM MONSTER—INSPIRED A MAZE OF PASSAGES AND ROOMS OPEN-DAEDALUS'S GREATEST CREATION YeT. ING ENDLESSLY INTO ONE ANOTHER.. THEN THERE ARE THOSE FAMOUS WINGS. OR JUST DISAPPOINTED BY THE DESIGN WAS DAEDALUS REALLY STRICKEN WITH FAILURE? GRIEF WHEN ICARUS FELL INTO THE SEA? ,v .«»* ■ SOMETIMES, WHEN THINGS WERE GOING WELL, X THINK W/ FATHER ACTUALLY ENJOYED HAVING A FAMILY. IN THEORY, HIS ARRANGEMENT WITH MY MOTHER WAS MORE COOPERATIVE. f WHAT DO YOU a THINK OF THIS GAS 1 *V CHANDELIER? J 1 I — vf BORDELLO.y LoTs*.____^<^c AND OF COURSE, MY BROTHERS AND I WERE FREE LABOR. DAD CONSIDERED US EXTENSIONS OF HIS OWN BODY, LIKE PRECISION ROBOT ARMS. IN PRACTICE, FT WAS NOT. 13 WE EACH RESISTED IN OUR OWN WAYS, BUT IN THE END WE WERE EQUALLY POWERLESS BEFORE MY FATHER'S CURATORIAL ONSLAUGHT. MY BROTHERS AND I COULDNT COMPETE WITH THE ASTRAL LAMPS AND GIRANDOLES AND HEPPLEWHfTE SUITE CHAIRS. THEY WERE PERFECT. I GREW TO RESENT THE WAY MY FATHER MY OWN DECIDED PREFERENCE FOR THE TREATED HIS FURNITURE LIKE CHILDREN, UNADORNED AND PURELY FUNCTIONAL AND HIS CHILDREN LIKE FURNITURE. EMERGED EARLY. 14 t WAS SPARTÁM TO MY FATHER'S ATHENIAN. MODERN TO HIS VICTORIAN. BUTCH TO HIS NEJJ-Y. UTlUTARiAN TO HIS AESTHETE. I DEVELOPED A CONTEMPT FOR USELESS ORNAMENT. WHAT FUNCTION WAS SERVED BY THE SCROLLS, TASSELS, AND BR/C-A-BRAC THAT INFESTED OUR HOUSE? 'f anything, they obscured function, they were embellishments in the worst sense. MY FATHER BEGAN TO SEEM MORALLY SUSPECT TO ME LONG BEFORE I KNEW THAT HE ACTUALLY HAD A DARK SECRET. HE USED HIS SKILLFUL ARTIFICE NOT TO MAKE THfNGS, BUT TO MAKE THINGS APPEAR TO BE what they were not. THAT IS TO SAV, fMPECCA&LE. HE Aj>PEJ#£V TO &E/VJ fO£AL HUSBAWD AMD FATHER, FOR EXAMPLE. ITS TEMPTING TO SUGGEST, IN RETRO- THAT OUR HOUSE WAS MOT A REAL HOME SPECT, THAT OUR FAMILY WAS A SHAM. ATAU- BUT THE SfMULACRUM OF OWE, A yet we really were a family, awd we really did live in those period rooms. 17 STILL, SOMETHING VITAL WAS MISSING. AN ELASTICITY, A MARGIN FOR ERROR. 18 IF WE COULPNT CRITICIZE MY FATHER, SHOWING AFFECTION FOR HIM WAS AN EVEN DICIER VENTURE. HAVING LrTTLE PRACTICE WITH THE GeS- ..AS if he WERE A BISHOP OR AN TURE, ALL I MANAGED WAS TO GRAB HIS ELEGANT LADY, BEFORE RUSHING FROM HAND AND BUSS THE KNUCKLES LIGHTLY... THE ROOM IN EMBARRASSMENT. 19 this embarrassment on my part was a his shame inhabited our house as tiny scale model of my father's more pervasively and invisibly as the fully developed self-loathing. aromatic musk of aging mahogany. in fact, the meticulous, period mirrors, distracting bronzes, interiors were expressly designed multiple doorways. visitors often to conceal it. got lost upstairs. 20 MY MOTHER, MY BROTHERS, AMD X KNEW OUR WAY AROUND WELL ENOUGH, BUT rT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF THE MINOTAUR LAY BEYOND THE NEXT CORNER. 21 ALTHOUGH I'M GOOD AT ENUMERATING I EXPECT THIS IS PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S MY FATHER'S FLAWS, rFS HARD FOR ME DEAD, AND PARTLY BECAUSE THE BAR IS TO SUSTAIN MUCH ANGER AT HIM. LOWER FOR FATHERS THAN FOR MOTHERS MY MOTHER MUST HAVE BATHED ME HUNDREDS OF TIMES. BUT ITS MY FATHER RINSING ME OFF WITH THE PURPLE METAL CUP THAT I REMEM&ER MOST CLEARLY. 22 rrs true that he djdnt kill himself but his absence resonated retro- uwttl i was nearly twenty. actively, echoing back through all ...smelling ot sawdust and sweat but x ached as if he were already and designer cologne. gone. 23 Ol It a. 15 {blank page) THERE'S NO PROOF, ACTUALLY, THAT MY NO ONE KNEW IT WASNT AN ACCIDENT. FATHER KJU-ED HIMSELF. i-r—i-r-r-1—i—r THERE'S NO PROOF, BUT THERE ARE THE COPY OF CAMUS' A HAPPY DEATH SOME SUGGESTIVE CIRCUMSTANCES. THE THAT HE'D BEEN READING AND LEAVING FACT THAT MY MOTHER HAD ASKED HfM AROUND THE HOUSE IN WHAT MIGHT BE FOR A DIVORCE TWO WEEKS BEFORE- CONSTRUED AS A DELIBERATE MANNER. 27 CAMUS' FIRST NOVEL, ffS A&OUT A CONSUMPTIVE HERO WHO DOES NOT DIE A PARTICULARLY HAPPY DEATH. MY FATHER HAD HIGHLIGHTED ONE LINE. Wain while his imagination and -vanity had gh^-n her too much imporunce, his pride had given her too little. He discovtrw! the cruel paradox by which vwalvayj cWeivtourseh/cs twice about the people we bvt - first to their ^vantage, then to their dis-advant^Je Today he under-stood that Marine had been genuine wilhhim- that shehadrxtfr whatiie «33t- >of A ATTING EPITAPH FOR Marthels my parents' marriage. V* by a. but^of^raüiLidiüie couM-naLgji cress- in the- old. but dad was always reading something, should we have been suspicious when he started plowing through Proust the year before? WAS THAT A SIGN OF DESPERATION? ITS SAID, AFTER ALL, THAT PEOPLE REACH MIDDLE AGE THE DAY THEY REALIZE THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO READ FEMEMBRAHCE OF THINGS PAST. DAD ALSO LEFT A MARGINAL NOTATION IN ANOTHER BOOK. TO "tar. THE DATE IS FIVE DAYS BEFORE HE DIED. DO PEOPLE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE GET EXCITED ABOUT SPOTTING RUFOUS-SfDEP TOWHEES? Pi r" **«h *9 &xK5 MAYBE HE DfDNT NOTICE THE TRUCK COMING BECAUSE HE WAS PREOCCUPIED WfTH THE DIVORCE. PEOPLE OFTEN HAVE ACCIDENTS WHEN THEY'RE DISTRAUGHT. BUT THESE ARE JUST QUIBBLES. I Do NT BELIEVE (T WAS AN ACCIDENT. TtMC WHlLt YOU WERE AWAY b SAGE Plf AS* < AIL will (»U.*Mi< .';yftf^-»--- 28 AFTER I HAP MADE THE FIVE-HOUR DRIVE HOME FROM COLLEGE AND EVERYONE ELSE HAD GONE TO BED, MOM AND I DISCUSSED fT. HIS HEADSTONE IS AN OBELISK, A HE HAD AN OBELISK COLLECTION, IN STRIKING ANACHRONISM AMONG THE FACT, AND HIS PRIZE SPECIMEN WAS ONE UNGAINLY GRANITE SLABS IN THE NEW IN KNEE-HIGH JADE THAT PROPPED END OF THE CEMETERY. OPEN THE DOOR TO HIS LIBRARY. 29 HIS ULTIMATE O&EUSK IS NOT CARVED FROM FLESHY, TRANSLUCENT MARBLE LIKE THE TOMBSTONES IN THE OLD PART OF THE CEMETERY. MOM COULDWT CONVINCE THE MONUMENT MAKER TO DO fT. (B) THE SPOT ON ROUTE 150 WHERE HE DIED, NEAR AN OLD FARMHOUSE HE WAS RESTORING, (O THE HOUSE WHERE HE AND MY MOTHER RAISED OUR FAMILY, AND (D) THE FARM WHERE HE WAS BORN. 30 MANY OF HIS RELATIVES DISPLACED A SIMILAR RELUCTANCE TO STRAY (whew auwt sue's son and daughter grew lp, they each built a house in the held between our house and hers.) BUT ITS PUZZLING WHY MY URBANE FATHER, WITH HIS UNWHOLESOME INTEREST IN THE DECORATIVE ARTS, REMAINED IN THIS PROVINCIAL HAMLET. AND WHY MY CULTURED MOTHER, WHO HAP STUDIED ACTING IN NEW YORK CITY, WOULD LIVE THERE CHEEK BY JOWL WITH HIS FAMILY fS MORE PUZZJJNG STILL, COME OUT TO CAMP.' YOU DONT HAFTA SHOOT NOTHIN'. WE'LL JUST SIT AROUND THE STOVE AND GET BOMBED. old school chum T WAS MADE CLEAR THAT MY BROTHERS AND I WOULD NOT REPEAT THEIR MISTAKE. DONT YOU KIDS GET AMY IDEAS ABOUT DRAGGING A TRAILER INTO THE BACKYARD. AFTER YOU GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL, I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. (my cousjws house being delivered.) 31 my parents had in fact gotten as far as europe, where my father was stationed in the army. MoM flew there to marry him. They lived in west Germany for almost a year during dad's service, in some degree of expatriate splendor . but then, the story goes, my grandfather had a heart attack and dad hap to go home and run the family business, this was a funeral parlor begun by my great-grandfather, edgar t. bechdel 7777*^7 MY GRWDFATHER WVGREAT-GT^WDfAFVCR THE FIRST AUTO HEARSE, 1922 32 THE CHANGE fN PLANS WAS A CRUEL FOR A SHORT TIME WE ALL LIVED WITH MY BLOW. I WAS BORN SOON AFTER THEY GRANDMOTHER AND AILING GRANDFATHER GOT BACK. AT THE FUNERAL HOME. LESS THAN A YEAR LATER, WE MOVED TO A RENTED FEDERAL-STYLE FARMHOUSE AND MY BROTHER CHRISTIAN WAS BORN. DAP STARTED TEACHING HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH. FUNERAL DIRECTING PROVIDED ONLY A PART-TIME INCOME IN OUR THINLY POPULATED REGION. 33 BY THE TIME WE MOVED TO THE GOTHIC IT WAS SOMEWHERE DURING THOSE REVIVAL HOUSE AND JOHN WAS BORN, EARL* YEARS THAT X BEGAN CONFUSING EUROPE HAD DISAPPEARED FROM MY US WITH THE ADPAMS FAMILY. THE CAPTIONS ELUDED ME, AS DfD THE IRONIC REVERSAL OF SUBURBAN CONFORMITY, HERE WERE THE FAMILIAR DARK, LOFTY CEILINGS, PEELING WALLPAPER, AND MENACING HORSEHAIR FURNISHINGS OF MY OWN HOME. 34 ..a worried girl had a string running from her mouth to a trap door, 1 the lamp next to her looked just like my lamp. in fact, the girl looked just l/ke me. the resemblance in my first-grade school photo is eerie. wearing a black velvet dress my father had wrestled me into, i appear to be in mourning. my mother, wrrH her luxuriant black HAIR AND pale SKIN, BORE A MORE than PASSING LIKENESS TO MoRTIClA. and on warm summer nights, ff was not unusual for a bat to swoop through our living room. but what gave the comparison real ..and the cavalier attitude which, weight was the family business... inevitably, we came to take toward it. 35 THE "FUN HOME," AS WE CALLED rT, WAS MY GRANDMOTHER LIVED IM THE FRONT. UP ON MAIN STREET. THE BUSINESS WAS IN THE BACK. _ R I REMEMBER SEEING MY GRANDFATHER LAID OUT THERE WHEN I WAS THREE. PEOPLE WERE AMUSED BY WHAT SEEMED TO ME A REASONABLE ENOUGH REQUEST, i MY FATHER HAD BEEN GIVEN A FREE HAND WITH THE INTERIOR DECORATION OF THE VIEWING AREA, AND THE ROOMS WERE HUNG WITH DARK VELVET DRAPERY. THIS ENSURED A SOMBER MOOD ON THE SUNNIEST OF DAYS. n II r 1 : THERE WAS A MINIMUM OF FURNITURE, AND A VAST EXPANSE OF TEXTURED OLIVE WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING. 36 MY BROTHERS AND T HAD LOTS OF CHORES AT THE FUN HOME, BUT ALSO MANY INTERESTING OPPORTUNITlES FOR PLAY. WE WERE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN TO CLIMB INTO THE CASKETS- 37 WHEN A NEW SHIPMENT OF CASKETS THOUGH THERE WERE NEVER ANY DEAD CAME IN, WE'D LIFT THEM WITH A WINCH PEOPLE IN THE SHOWROOM, rf HAD THE TO THE SHOWROOM ON THE SECOND OTHERWORLDLY AMBIENCE OF A FLOOR OF THE GARAGE. MAUSOLEUM. 38 LIKE A MEDIUM CHANNELING LOST SOULS, THE FILAMENT OF A SPACE HEATER VIBRATED TUNELESSLY TO OUR FOOTFALLS IT WASNTTHE SORT OF PLACE YOU WANTED TO BE ALONE IN. ON THE OTHER HAND, IT WAS NOT PARTICULARLY SCARY TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN THE FUNERAL HOME PROPER, EVEN WHEN WE HAD A DEAD PERSON. MY BROTHERS AND I OFTEN SLEPT THERE WITH MY GRANDMOTHER. PkRMAWENT GREASE STAIN PROM MY DEAD GRANDFATHER'S VTTAUS TO QUIET US DOWN, GRAMMY WOULD LET US SWEEP THE CEIUNG WITH THE BEAM OF HER FLASHLIGHT IN SEARCH OF BUGS. WHEN WE SPOTTED ONE, SHE WOULD DECLARE IT TO BE EfTHERA "PISS-ANT" OR AN 'ANTIE-MIRE"— ATAXONOMIC DIFFERENTIATION I WAS NEVER CLEAR ON—AND SQUASH IT WITH A RAG ON THE END OF A BROOM. 39 after this, we would beg her to tell us a story. THE story, i should say, because there was one tale that held us in such thrall that the rest of my grandmother's repertoire—her stillborn twins, the time my aunt had worms—paled before rr. "He was littler than you, John, no more than three. ft was springtime." 'The fields was just plowed, and bruce lit out acrost one. rr was that wet, pretty soon he couldwt lift his little legs out of the mud?" 40 41 AND HERE THE STORY REACHED fTS BIZARRE, GRjMMSlAN CLIMAX. 42 THOUGH THE WAV GRAMMY HELPED HIM TIE HIS SURGICAL GOWN IN BACK WAS EVOCATIVE. DAD WORKED BACK IN THE INNER SANCTUM, THE EMBALMING ROOM. FWVHIG-- do rr, or I'LL. give you something to whine about. THIS SMEU-ED OF BACTERICIDAL SOAP AND EMBALMING FLUID. IT WAS DoM-IMATED BY A PORCELAIN ENAMEL PREP TABLE AND A CURIOUS WALL CHART. IDIDNT NORMALLY SEE THE BODIES BEFORE THEY WERE DRESSED AND IN A CASKET. 43 THE MAN ON THE PREP TABLE WAS BEARDED AND FLESHY, JARRINGLY UNLIKE DAD'S USUAL TRAFFIC OF DeSSICATED OLD PEOPLE. rr FELT LIKE A TEST. NViYBE THIS WAS OR MAYBE HE FELT THAT HE'D BECOME THE SAME OFFHANDED WAY HIS OWN TOO INURED TO DEATH, AND WAS HOPING NOTORIOUSLY COLD FATHER HAD TO ELfCfT FROM ME AN EXPRESSION OF SHOWN HIM HIS FIRST CADAVER THE NATURAL HORROR HE WAS NO 44 OR MAYBE HE JUST NEEDED THE SCISSORS. I HAVE MADE USE OF THE FORMER TECH- FOR YEARS AFTER MY FATHERS DEATH, WHEN THE SUBJECT OF PARENTS CAME UP JN CONVERSATION I WOULD RELATE THE INFORMATION IN A FLAT, MATTeR-OF-FACTTONE— THE EMOTION X HAP SUPPRESSED FOR EVEN WHEN fT WAS DAP HfM$ELF ON THE THE GAPING CADAVER SEEMED TO STAY PREP TABLE. SUPPRESSED. vt---XX-—-I-1- 45 i was away at school that summer, generating bar codes for all the books in the college library. i bicycled back to my apartment, marveling at the dissonance between this apparently carefree activity and my newly tragic circumstances. as i told my girlfriend what had happened, i cried quite genuinely for about two minutes. Joan drove home wrm me and we arrived that evening, my little brother John and x greeted each other with ghastly, uncontrollable grins. r 46 ft COULD Be ARGUED THAT DEATH IS INHERENTLY ABSURD, AND THAT GRINNING IS NOT NECESSARILY AN INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE. I MEAN ABSURD IN THE SENSE OF RIDICULOUS, UNREASONABLE. ONE SECOND A PERSON IS THERE, THE NEXT THEY'RE NOT. though perhaps CAMUS' DEFINfTlON OF THE ABSURD--THAT THE UNIVERSE IS IRRATIONAL AND HUMAN LIFE MEANINGLESS—APPLIES HERE AS WELL. IN COLLEGE, I NEEDED THE MYTH OF SiStPHUS FOR A CLASS. DAD OFFERED TO SEND ME HIS OLD COPY, BUT I RESISTED HIS INTERFERENCE. I WISH I COULD SAY I'D ACCEPTED HrS BOOK, THAT I STILL HAD ST, THAT HE'D UNDERLINED ONE PARTICULAR PASSAGE. longing lor dealh The subject of this tssay is precisely {his ltelaiicnsbip between ihc absurd and suicide, the exactdegnee to whichsuicide is a Solution to the absurd The principle can be established that for a man ^ho does not cheat, xhat he believes to be true must determine his action. Belief in the absurdity of existence must then dictate bis conduct. It is legitimate to wonder, dearly and without false pathos, whether a conclusion of this importance requires iorsaKirig as rapidly as possible an incomprehensible c-oiidilion I ,?m rrs NOT THAT I THINK HE KILLED HIMSELF OUT OF EXISTENTIALIST CONVICTION. FOR ONE THING, IF HE'D READ CAREFULLY, HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO CAMUS' CONCLUSION THAT SUICIDE IS ILLOGICAL BUT I SUSPECT MY FATHER OF BEING A HAPHAZARD SCHOLAR A SNAPSHOT OF HIM IN A FRAT BROTHER'S SPORTS CAR REMINDS ME OF CARTlER-BRESSONS PHOTOS OF CAMUS. 47 MAYBE rTS JUST THE CIGARETTE. IN EVERY BUT CAMUS' LUNGS WERE FULL OF HOLES PHOTO IVE SEEN OF CAMUS, THERE'S A BUTT DANGLING FROM HIS GALLIC LfP. /-v nappy Death ' to be fair, everyone smoked then. FROM TUBERCULOSIS. WHO WAS HE TO CAST LOGICAL ASPERSIONS AT SUICIDE? F5- HE COULDNT HAVE LASTED MUCH LONGER EVEN IF HE HADNTDIED IN A CAR CRASH AT FORTY-5JX. camus was known to have sa/d to his friends on various occasions that dying in a car accident would Be We MOKTtMB£ClL£. CAMUS ALSO SAID, IN THE MYTH OF SfSYPHUS, THAT WE ALL LIVE AS IF WE DONT KNOW WE'RE GOING TO DIE. BUT THEN, HE WASNTA MORTICIAN. Yet one will never be sufficiently surprised ihat everyone lives as if no one "knew." This is because in reality there is no experience °f death. Properly speak ing, nothing has been experienced but what lias been lived and made conscious. I-fere, it is barely possible to speak of. the experience of others' deaths. It is a substitute, and illusion, and it never quite convinces us. That melancholy convention cannot be peryuasi-Me. The horror comes in reality from the math ematical aspect of the eveni. If time i suspect that for my father, death was all too convincing. PTHP 46 N THE LETTERS HE SENT ME AT COLLEGE, SOMETIMES HE SEEMED THE PERFECT ABSURD HERO, SISYPHUS SHOULDERING HIS BOULDER WITH DETACHED JOY. The weekend was of littLe conaecjuense entej-tainnwrttwise. I was called at 3 30 AM for Fay Murray'5 death. That shot that Friday Saturday. Some highlights of my wit her yellow lace bikini rose- eribroidered panties. Her died red. hair after three ntnths of hospitalizati *W hdirdersser and her hairpieces. Her hitter green velvet jumpsuit with gold sequinei trim and plugging neckline. Well I did mybest vith red lips, green eyeshadow, lots of rouge and eyebrow peroral and low and behold there lay Fay. She had lovely f lawlessly smocthsKin. Everyone was pleased and you would never have guessed she vbs seventy. -i—i- ■ > - - ^ '' .... OTHER TIMES, HE WAS DESPAIRING. Bear Al- Sunday 9-24-77 I'm at fun home, tending local tragedy. Beautiful girl, 33, wrapped her car around one of those big" trees in the Rupert's front yard- VforKed ■eighteen hours yesterday, now I'm here fighting off the ghouls - it's bad for my blood pressure. ^^^^ _ IDONT HAVE ANY LETTERS ABOUT THE SUICIDES HE DEALT WITH, LIKE THE LOCAL DOCTOR WHO SHOT HIMSELF A FEW MONTHS BEFORE DAD'S OWN DEATH. 49 YOU WOULD ALSO THINK THAT A CHILDHOOD SPENT IN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY TO THE WORKADAY INCIDENTALS OF DEATH WOULD BE GOOD PREPARATION. THAT WHEN SOMEONE YOU KNEW ACTUALLY DIeD, MAYBE YoUD GET TO SKfP A PHASE OR TWO OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS—"DENIAL" AND "ANGER" FOR EXAMPLE" BUT IN FACT, ALL THE YEARS SPENT VlSfTlNG GRAVEDIGGERS, JOKfNG WITH BURJAL-VAULT SALESMEN, AND TEASING MY BROTHERS WfTH CRUSHED VIALS OF SMELLING SALTS ONLY MADE MY OWN FATHER'S DEATH MORE INCOMPREHENSIBLE. 50 who II embalms the undertaker j 1 when he dies? (T was like russell's paradox... 1 \ ...the famous conundrum of the clean- the barber, equally unable to shave shaven barber whose sign reads, "i himself, and to not shave himself, is shave all those men, and only those impossible, men, who do not shave themselves." my father could have used a barber. his face was rough and dry, scraped clean with no help from the expensive lotions and aftershaves on the silver tray in his bathroom at home. 51 HIS WIRY HAIR, WHICH HE HAP DAILY TAKEN GREAT PAINS TO STYLE, WAS BRUSHED STRAIGHT UP ON END AND REVEALED A SURPRISINGLY RECEDED HAIRLINE. DRY-EYED AND SHEEPISH, MY BROTHERS AND I LOOKED FOR AS LONG AS WE SENSED fT WAS APPROPRIATE. IWASNTEVEN SURE IT WAS HIM UNTIL I FOUND THE TINY BLUE TATTOO ON HIS KNUCKLE WHERE HE'D ONCE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY STABBED WITH A PENCIL THE SOLE EMOTION I COULD MUSTER WAS IRRITATION, WHEN THE PINCH-FUNERAL DIRECTOR LAID HIS HAND ON MY ARM CONSOLINGLY. 52 i shook rr off wrrn a violence that this same irritation would overtake was, in fact, rather consoling. me for tears afterward when i on one occasion i found it desecrated with a cheesy flag, placed there by some well-meaning armed services organization. ijavelined this, ugly brass holder and all, into the cornfield that immediately adjoins his plot at the edge of the cemetery. s3 (blank page) my father's death was a queer business—queer in every sense of that multivalent word. "3 'eft •fci~'*v. "'f«1!W5 61 DAP WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT MAN/ WRITERS, BUT HE HAD A PARTICULAR REVERENCE FOR FITZGERALD. I MY MOTHER HAD SENT HIM A BIOGRAPHY OF FfTzGERALD BEFORE THEY MARRIED, WHEN DAD WAS IN THE ARMY. HE'D BEEN DRAFTED AFTER DROPPING OUT OF HIS GRADUATE ENGLISH PROGRAM, OVERWHELMED WITH THE WORKLOAD. REFERENCES TO THE BIOGRAPHY CREPT INTO HIS LETTERS TO HER THE TALES OF SCOTT AND ZELDA'S DRUNKEN, OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOR CAPTIVATED HIM. &2 rr COULD NOT HAVE ESCAPED MY FATHER'S NOTICE THAT DURING SCOTTS OWN STINT IN THE ARMY HE WROTE HIS FIRST NOVEL AND BEGAN COURTING ZELDA dad's letters to mom, which had not been particularly demonstrative up to this point, Began to grow lush WfTH FrrzGERALDESQUE SENTIMENT. b Ci^>>- s3 '■ ^ ***** J'-r DAD DOES NOT MENTION IDENTIFYING WfTH THE CHARACTER OF JIMMY GATz, BUT THE PARALLELS ARE UNAVOIDABLE. GATSBY'S SELF-WILLED METAMORPHOSIS FROM FARM BOY TO PRINCE IS IN MANY WAYS IDENTICAL TO MY FATHER'S. G3 LIK£ GATSBY, MY FATHER FUELED THIS TRANSFORMATION WITH 'THE COLOSSAL VITALITY OF HIS ILLUSION." UMLJKE GATSBY, HE DID fT ON A SCHOOLTEACHER'S SALARY. MY FATHER EVEN LOOKED LIKE GATSBY, OR AT ANY RATE, LIKE ROBERT REDFORD IN THE 1974 MOVIE. PERHAPS IT SEEMS LIKE A COLOSSAL ILLUSION ON MY PART TO COMPARE MY FATHER TO ROBERT REDFORD. ZELDA FITZGERALD ALSO HAD A FLUID CHARM, IT WAS SAID, WHICH ELUDED THE STILL CAMERA. SCHOOL PORTRAIT) BUT HE WAS MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD REVEALS. OA I THINK WHAT WAS SO ALLURING TO MY FATHER ABOUT FITZGERALD'S STORIES WAS THEIR INEXTRlCABlLrrY FROM FfTzGERAL^S LIFE. SUCH A SUSPENSION OF THE IMAGINARY IN THE REAL WAS, AFTER ALL, MY FATHER'S STOCK IN TRADE. rrniy at thi» tijnt to family » cliojce- «s a threat to tot: that, if in the long run, « a serious one, I could I* uty hope that this does not ha dangers that your idealist*" h&ve faced. 1 Know you ha cynicism regardino problem* f a- STILL, I WAS DEVASTATED. Pr An<$ nit en v.- 77 HER P.S. INSTRUCTED M£ TO DESTROY IN AN ATTEMPT TO SALVE THE WOUND, THE LETTER. I BOUGHT MYSELF" A PRESENT. A SYMBOL Of SELF-RELIANCE? AT ANY OPENING IT BACK IN MY ROOM, X ACCURATE, IT SEEMED LIKE SOMETHING A DENTALLY CUT MY FINGER*_ LES&lAW WOULD HAVE. _ f--- X SMEARED THE BLOOD INTO MY JOURNAL, PLEASED BY THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRANSMIT MY ANGUISH TO THE PAGE SO LITERALLY. 78 I RESPONDED TO MY MOTHER'S LETTER POINT BY POINT. SHE FILLED ME IN A FEW DAYS LATER. THIS ABRUPT AND WHOLESALE REVISION OF MY HISTORY—A HISTORY WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, HAD ALREADY BEEN REVISED ONCE IN THE PRECEDING MONTHS—LEFT ME STUPEFIED. BUT NOT QUITE STUPEFIED ENOUGH—A CONDITION WHICH I REMEDIED UPON HANGING UP THE PHONE. SOON, HOWEVER, I DISCOVERED AN EVEN MORE POTENT ANESTHETIC. PLASTIC TUBfWG AVAILABLE AT AWV HARDWARE STORE .AND WE NEED PEOPLE I TO PUT UP FLYERS ABOUT OUR CONFERENCE. 79 the notion that my sordid personal life had some sort of larger import was strange, but seductive. and by midterm i had been seduced completely. feminism is the theory. lesbianism is the practice- Joan was a poet and a ^triarchist." i spent very little of the remaining semester outside her bed. this was strewn with books, however in what was for me a novel fusion of word and deed. i lost my bearings. the dictionary had become erotic. SOME OF OUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD STORfES WERE REVEALED AS PROPAGANDA.. god. christopher robin': a total imperialist? 80 .OTHERS AS PORNOGRAPHY. IN THE HARSH LIGHT OF MY DAWNING FEMINISM, THIS ENTWINED POLITICAL AND SEXUAL THE NEWS FROM HOME WAS AWAKENING WAS A WELCOME DISTRACTION. INCREASINGLY UNSETTLING. 81 over the years, my mother has given away or solo most or dad's library. later, Joan wrote a poem about it. You're sitting in the library feet up on his desk.. Your mother cowes in her face vara and white floating gingerly over her bathrobe. She tells we to choose a booK. Cloth-bound, grey and turquoise heavy in my hand as a turtle shell filled with mud- OUT OF THE HUNDREDS OF BOOKS ON THE SHELVES, I DONT THINK SHE COULD HAVE MADE A BETTER CHOICE- oh, x LOVE WALLACE STEVENS. do YOU KNOW "SUNDAY MORNING"? rPS MY FAVORITE POEM. 82 3E rrs ABOUT THE CRUCIFIXION. "..AMD THE GREEN FREEDOM OF A COCKATOO UPON A RUG MINGLE TO DISSIPATE THE HOLY HUSH OF ANCIENT SACRIFICE." H3 (HONEST TO GOD, WE HAD A PAINTING OF A COCKATOO IN THE LIBRAE.) IW MANY WAYS MY MOTHER'S CATHOLICISM WAS MORE FORM THAN CONTENT... I--- "SHE DREAMS A LITTLE AND SHE FEELS THE DARK ENCROACHMENT OF THAT OLD CATASTROPHE AS A CALM DARKENS AMONG WATER-LIGHTS." ...BUT SACRIFICE WAS A PRINCIPLE THAT SHE GRASPED INSTINCTIVELY. PERHAPS SHE ALSO LIKED THE POEM BECAUSE ITS JUXTAPOSITION OF CATASTROPHE WITH A PLUSH DOMESTIC INTERIOR IS LIFE WITH MV FATHER IN A NUTSHELL. DAD'S DEATH WAS NOT A NEW CATASTROPHE BUT AN OLD ONE THAT HAD BEEN UNFOLDING VERY SLOWLY FOR A LONG TIME. -J 83 the idea that i caused his death by telling my parents x was a lesbian is perhaps illogical. causality impues connection, contact of" some kind. and however convincing they might be, you cant lay hands oki a fictional character. there's a scene in the GREAT GATS&Y where a drunken party guest is carried awav by the discovery that the volumes in gatsby's library are not cardboard fakes. 1 What Thoroughness, what realism!" he exclaims. "knew whew to stop, too. didntcutthe pages.'" 1 □ my father's books--the hardbound ones with their ragged dust jackets, the paperbacks with their creased spines—had clearly been reap. 84 BUT IN A WAV GATSBY'S PRISTINE BOOKS IF FITZGERALD'S OWN LIFE HADNT TURNED AND MY FATHER'S WORN ONES SIGNIFY FROM FAIRY TALE TO TRAGEDY, WOULD THE SAME THING—THE PREFERENCE OF HIS STORIES OF DISENCHANTMENT HAVE A FICTION TO REALITY. RESONATED SO DEEPLY WITH MY FATHER? GATSBY IN THE POOL. ZELDA IN THE ASYLUM. SCOTT IN HOLLYWOOD, AN ALCOHOLIC, DYING OF A HEART ATTACK AT FORTY-FOUR. 85 FOR A WILD MOMENT I ENTERTAINED THE IDEA THAT MY FATHER HAD TIMED HIS DEATH WITH THIS IN MIND, AS SOME SORT OF DERANGED TRIBUTE. AND I'M RELUCTANT TO LET GO OF THAT LAST, TENUOUS BOND. 8£