10 Man Types to Avoid at
All Costs
Because guys don't come with warning labels, Cosmo has categorized the types of men all single women should date defensively.

By Julie Brown

Let's face it: Whether its instinct, programming, or too many episodes of Melrose Place, most unmarried women feel that no matter what fascinating they're doing with their lives, eventlually they're supposed to … find a man! This quest haunts them. Terrorizes them. Makes them flirt with strange men in the meat section of the grocery store.
This is what made The Rules a bestseller. Now, if you're one of the few women in North America who hasn't heard of The Rules, let me sum it up. It tells you, step-by-step, how to trap a man and marry him. At any cost. But what disturbs me most is that nowhere in the book does it encourage women to be discerning about what kind of man to lure into their vixen webs.
So I guess it's my job to add a very necessary footnote to this man-trapping bible, and that is ... you do not want just any man. You must learn to discriminate, to weed out the weasels. Start here with Julie Brown's List o' Weasels.
The Commitmentphobe. These guys want to be kids forever. They will often have toys in their apartments—video games, remote-control cars, another girlfriend. You think I'm kidding? That's why they're afraid to get married. Beceause somewhere, maybe in their deepest, goofiest fantasies, there's another woman. Even if your Commitmentphobe is a chubby accountant, he's saving himself for his future date with Elle Macpherson. He's figuring, When she gets tired of those handsome international Playboys, she'll come crawling to me.
The Sexually Suspect Man. This is an easy one to spot: Any man who can identify the color taupe is sexually suspect. These men should be avoided, because even though they are incredibly fun to shop with, you know it takes more than just shopping to put a smile on your face. And if you went ahead and married one, you may be the radiant bride, but he might be a little more interested in the best man. It's really a shame, though, because these guys are great. They know what shallots are, hate Steven Seagal movies, and have big opinions about Madonna's latest look. So even though it's hard (but not hard enough!), you just cannot date a Sexually Suspect Man.
The Married Man. Dating a married man is insane. Okay, maybe the sex is great, but you'll never get the most vital thing you should get out of a relationship: a guaranteed date on important holidays! Guess who he's going to be with on Christmas, New Year's, the Fourth of July, and the big one, Valentines Day? Not you, honey. You only have him on Flag Day, Groundhog Day, and maybe Earth Day. And what kind of gift can you expect for Earth Day? You better hope it's not something recycled from his wife's closet.
The Mama's Boy. Yes, normal guys love their mothers, but they do not want her to vacation with them or move into the spare bedroom. And come on, do you want to have to follow someone else's recipe for meat loaf, let alone make meat loaf? And Mama's Boys will also want you to dress just like Mama. So if your man buys you rubber thongs, a muumuu, and a pack of Luckies for your birthday—watch out!
The Addict. This is never fun, no matter what kind of addict he is—TV, heroin, the Internet. Even poor Pamela Lee can't control hard-drinking Tommy. And if, after spending thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to achieve Barbie perfection, Pam still can't control her man, what chance does the average cellulite-fighting size-10 girl have?
The Control Freak. These guys are the ultimate nightmare. You will have to be everywhere on time, looking perfect, with a happy-to-be-there attitude. A control freak wants to turn you into some kind of freak Jenny McCarthy-Martha Stewart zombie! Warning signs: Control freaks have Filofaxes, personal assistants, corporate jets. And if you try to marry one, he'll make you sign a prenuptial agreement. Then you're still expected to look perfect and have sex for free! Why do that when you can run around in sweatpants with greasy hair and have free sex with a really hunky busboy? Control Freaks just aren't worth it.
The Womanizer. He can make a woman feel like she's the most exquisite creature in the world—for a while. But he will completely break your heart, because this man is into quantity not quality. No matter how good you look naked, he could actually cheat on you with a girl who never does stomach crunches. Warning signs: He says someone else's name in bed. Like "You're so hot, Lisa." Don't fall for the excuse "I just think you seem more like a Lisa." Or you find another womans clothing lying around. But if its something frilly and lacy, it could also mean you're with a Sexually Suspect Man. Either way, it's not a good sign.
The Cheap Bastard. In this barbaric age, when women think they should sometimes pay for meals at restaurants, the Cheap Bastard is not always easy to spot. In that tense moment when the check comes and you coyly say "Let me get this," most cool guys will at least fight for it. If he never does, or always makes you go dutch, you are dating a Cheap Bastard. I once dated a Cheap Bastard who (swear to God) gave me a coupon for my birthday that read "Two-for-one bikini wax." It totally confused me. Was I supposed to go twice? Or with a girlfriend? Did he want to go with me and get one too? Whatever it meant, it was not the gift of a man in love. I mean, you know Matt Dillon is not giving Cameron Diaz a budget bikini wax. So I dumped the guy.
The Big Dummy. Okay, choosing a guy because he's cute and has muscles seems like a brilliant idea after getting fed up with controlling smart guys who say they'll call and don't. You think I'll just simplify. I'll go for a guy who has any kind of job, eats meat, and likes to do it. But it doesn't work. Well, it works a few times, but unfortunately, women are not like men. We crave subtlety. So if you find yourself dating someone who thinks aromatherapy means "remembering to put on deodorant," the relationship probably isn't going to last.
The Perfection Pervert. This type of man is always pure torture, because once he's overworked everything on himself in his quest for perfection, he'll start on you. Your hair, your weight, your clothes, your friends, your choices in everything. But what he does to himself is almost worse. I was dating a guy who said he was really bugged by his bald spot. I really didn't care about it. But he was so upset that he got a toupee. I'm even okay with that. The problem was that it was a, let's say, cheap, for lack of a better word, toupee, and it caused him to perspire on his scalp. Unfortunately, he wore it to a party where the host's pet, a rottweiler, mistook the toupee for another rottweiler and tried to mate with his head. I found myself holding his hand in the emergency room while the doctor smirked about his "accident." I realized then where this guys quest for perfection was going to take me, and I thought, Life is just too short.
So good luck on your manhunt. And the next time a guy in a toupee strolls up to you in the meat section and says, "Love that taupe handbag. My mom has one just like it. Say, wanna go out for a bikini wax?"—please, just run!